Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
One venti cheeseburger please.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!