Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
figuring out my emotional availability:
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting