A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend