Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Sorry not sorry.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My background check bounced.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
When news reporters do sports stories
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
OH. COME. ON.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…