I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!