Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now