“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’d rather fork than spoon.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.