*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.