We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE