@LackOfShame
@murrman5 do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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@murrman5 
@Lola_Areola Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
@ScottLinnen You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
@flashember when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
@TheFaldor Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
@Smooheed I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
@calluptome If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
@badbanana Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
@Marlebean When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
@RiotGrlErin cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic