Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.


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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.


Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office


Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.


When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”