Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now