do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
bartender: get this catatonic