@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

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@murrman5

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

@TheFaldor

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

@Smooheed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

@Marlebean

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”