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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*