So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.