I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.