I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.