me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Breaking news:
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.