“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“you recording!?”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband