I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.