I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
No, I don’t think I will.
how high up are we talkin’?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
multitasking lunch
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!