Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
You Might Also Like
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Well, shit
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die