You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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Basically.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
That’s not how days work.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.