New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Bike for sale
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”