If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit