If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*