[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
there’s probably a fee though
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”