“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*