If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
How animals would run if they were human
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.