Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Every haunted house movie:
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails