I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.