Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.