KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
What an awful time to have common sense.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Netflix: We have Less
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.