If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!
-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.