ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
181.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR