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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Body by sandwich.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
stand with me against insufficient seating
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
sigh