Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day