If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.