“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch