(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Duck typos.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.