The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Yes, but it was never about money
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.