“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.