As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up