So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood