I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”