If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.