I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
BRO LMFAO
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.