I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?