Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
fair
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.