Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I ate everything, including the H.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.