[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
moms in horror movies
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.