United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My blood type is b hungry.