I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
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“That’s what” – She
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
😏😏😏
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.