[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
This will teach them to underestimate me
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible